Racism....

Frustrating evening... are people really this stupid?

My good friend (in fact one of my best friends) who happens to be biracial came over tonight to hang out since she is leaving to go out of town for a week. She had asked if her friend could come since he was only in town for a few hours. She said he was "normal" so I said ok.... Maybe I should screen these friends of hers better!

Started off fine. She and I talked about my experience at the African American heritage camp that AJ and I went to (so we were talking about black issues), my kids were playing (both African American), and we had eaten dinner. Ty got tired so I brought him upstairs to go to bed. I could hear her friend, we'll call him "boy". I could hear boy saying things to her that I thought were inappropriate. Not sure how it even came up but he kept calling her white, using the word oreo and double stuffed oreo. Now I don't know him at all and so thought maybe they had some inside running joke but thought it was odd since she really doesn't put up with racist crap. But since I was upstairs at the time, I didnt say anything when I came back down (mistake number 1, I should have said something that bothered me immediately).

So we painted our toes/finger nails and had The Housewives of Atlanta on (I know schmucky TV). We weren't really paying a whole lot of attention to it, it was on more on in the background. The boy starts talking about the show so we start to pay attention. The girl on the show (African American) is talking to her African American boyfriend/husband about how he was raised in a white family and her in a black family and how there are differences etc. Boy starts going on about how it doesn't matter, she needs to stop talking about it and move on. My friend told him that no, its important and that the girl on TV just wanted to learn more to do whats best for their kids etc (now we really hadn't heard the whole conversation but whatever, its the housewives!). Boy then makes a comment about how "you people" always try to make issues where there aren't any. You people, really? He states it in different ways a few times, both my friend and I try to tell him that there is a big difference in culture and that it is important and good that they were discussing it. Then it took a turn for the worse... He went on and on about how black people want equality and then make differences and problems. I told him that if you aren't involved in the receiving end of racism then you can't truly understand what it is like. He kept telling us (while pointing and making the crazy sign to his head) that all of this stuff that we were making up was just in our heads... He said it over and over and was getting more inappropriate...

Side note: Addy was in the room, distracted by her newly painted toe nails with stickers, so the words I (and my friend) wanted to use were out of the question since we didn't want her hearing them.

So he went on and on and there was no stopping him or rationalizing with him. The tone and inflection in his voice was like my friend and I were stupid and completely off base. He was obviously the one who was right and who knew everything.

I finally said in a firm "I mean it" kind of way... OK, you need to leave now. He looked at me like I head 10 heads and I just said "seriously" (in the same get out of my house now tone). My friend made a comment about how he needed to stop especially since she was biracial and he was in the house with two black kids. He then sat on the couch. My friend packed up her things and they left.

Its amazing that besides his first inappropriate comments, the majority of his anger was derived from a conversation from a stupid reality TV show (and not even a classy reality TV show) and then his true beliefs really came out.

They had driven separately so her and I talked on the phone after she left. She wouldnt see him again until later that night and she was going to give him the earful that we couldn't in Addys presence. She was appalled at his behavior and it didnt sound like their friendship would be continuing (at least not in the same context).

I felt violated, angry, furious. Who in their right mind would come into a house with two black kids and make racist remarks.... really? I felt awful knowing that my children will face these kind of things and sad that I wouldnt always be there to protect them or to deal with the issues together. We already have had some racism issues but in our own home was just wrong. I am proud that I said something and didnt just let it happen. I am glad that my friend bit her tounge and didnt say what she wanted too and super glad that she is "sharing" those special saved words with him tonight. I'm glad that we role modeled appropriate behavior in front of Addy, because really, that's what it is all about. Facing racism as a family, role modeling appropriate responses so that our children learn how to move forward through racism, and hopefully opening the eyes of people who are ignorant.

So what did I learn...
1- trust your gut
2- say something the first time you hear an appropriate comment
3- stick to your guns
4- don't put up with racism, ever, especially in your home