For the past twelve years I have often wondered where I would be if my life's path had taken a different turn. I sure wouldn't be in the amazing place in my life that I am today. Twelve years ago today, I was in the hospital, in isolation, facing an unknown future, and praying for the best outcome. It was the day I received my bone marrow transplant, Day Zero, the day of the infusion. I remember the awful smell and taste of the DMSO preservative as the marrow was infused, I remember being thankful that another cancer friends mom had brought cinnamon candies to drown out some of that taste. I remember the infusion and how cold it was since the marrow was just thawed. I remember the hope that it instilled knowing that it was my first official day cancer free and the fear that loomed of the "what ifs". This would be the day we would remember yearly as BMT Day. Day Zero. Every day from there on out would be and has been a gift. It was 48 days later when I was finally dismissed from the hospital still being supported by daily infusions of blood products. But I was out. Slowly progressing back into being normal again.
When one faces such challenges and the possibility of death at a young age, it changes them. It makes them realize things that most others their age would never have to deal with. It makes you grow up faster than you should and helps you learn what is truly important in your life and who is truly important in your life.
Throughout my cancer journey my family was my biggest supporters who were there through the struggles and celebrations. Through every up and every down. Through the hope and through the fear. The other cancer kids and their families were an extended family who knew exactly what it was like and who were so supportive to help each other out and make the hospital a safe familiar place. It was the nurses who you relied on, who really cared, who helped you through those scary times.
When one goes through such a life altering experience, you always wonder what it meant or what you are supposed to do with it. I believe that if me having cancer has helped someone else through their life journey then it was worth it. I have met numerous young newly diagnosed pediatric cancer patients and if talking with them gave them the slightest bit of hope, of comfort, of knowing they weren't alone. Then it was worth it. Having cancer is what made me decide to be a nurse. I now can give back as those nurses who had helped me through my journey, now I can help others facing illness and understand the stress and fear.
Cancer...It shapes you, it molds you, it lifts you up, and slams you down. So when I think of the "What ifs" I remember how lucky I am not only to have survived but to have had cancer lead me down the path that my life has taken. If there is one thing I am sure of, no matter how much having cancer sucked, I would not be in this place today with my amazing husband and beautiful daughter.
So when thinking of the future, remember that life is a journey and to enjoy the journey on the way to your destination. Live for today, live in today, and let tomorrow come in its own time for when tomorrow is here, today is gone.
