Openness

Recently I have been asked a lot of questions about openness in adoption and the openness of our adoptions so I thought I would address some of these questions and give you my thoughts on the subject.

Openness is not something that is easy for people to understand, and it wasn't for us either.

What openness is not

• it is not a lifetime move where the birthparents live next door and share in the parenting
• it is not co-parenting
• it is not permanent baby sitting
• it does not mean the birthparents can take or see the kids whenever they want

But these are common things that people think about when they hear about open adoptions. They were fears of ours when we started the adoption process as well. We wanted to be the parents, we wanted to have them be our kids, we didn't want to feel the above feelings. And until you are involved in an open adoption, you cannot fully understand it but I will do my best to share our experience.

Openness is different in every adoption. Openness may be that you meet the birth parent before birth and have no contact after that, it may mean letters/pictures are sent, it may mean phone calls or emails, and in may include visits. Openness is agreed upon by the adoptive and birth family and is an ever changing process. Each birthmom copes differently with their decision to adopt and for some openness is too hard and for others openness gives them a sense a peace with their decision to make an adoption plan. Openness may be direct where the adoptive family and birth family shares all identifying information and contact information or it may be more indirect where both parties send things through an agency to forward on.

Openness is not for everyone and is not right for all adoptions. But even in a closed adoption or semi-open adoption, remember that this birthmom made an adoption plan for her child to do what was best for it. A decision out of love. It is not something they ever "get over" but is something that with time, they hopefully come to peace with.

It is my belief that openness is in the best interest of the child. That having some level of contact is good for the child to be able to know how much their birth parents love them and to be able to understand their adoption. To be able to ask questions and know about their birth family and history.

Coming to this conclusion took us some time. When we went to our pre-adoption classes and openness was something very scary for us. We had panels of adoptive families who were in open adoptions, met birthmoms who had placed their babies for adoption, and met grown adults who were adopted as infants and what having a closed adoption meant to them. After meeting the birthmoms who made adoption plans, my heart changed, my mind changed, and I knew that we would match with a birthmom for a reason. Something would connect, there would be something that drew her to picking us. And I was right. Both of our birthmoms are amazing and we completely connected from the moment we met. Both of them chose us for different reasons and we love them both.

So what do our open adoptions look like and how do they work? We have two very different open adoptions but each is special in its own way. With Addy, we met her birthmom in person twice before taking Addy home (she was already 8 weeks old). We send her letters at least twice a year but has been more like 5 times a year. I've talked to her a couple times on the phone. For her, the adoption is very hard on her and so we left it open as to if she ever wants to visit or wants more contact. For Tyler, we met him and his birthmom together the day after he was born. We spent quite a bit of time with her and her family while we were in Alabama. We have a very open adoption with letters and pictures at least 4 times a year and at holidays, we talk on the phone at least once a month, and we have plans to possibly visit them in the spring. We have full disclosure with both of our adoptions and know full names and contact information as do our birthmoms know all of our information.

Both adoptions are different but working well. My biggest challenge will be answering questions about their different levels of openness and hoping that Addy isn't sad that we have more contact with Tylers birthfamily. And reinforcing to her how much her birthmom loves her. And with all things, openness can change so throughout the years we may have more or less contact.

I, who previously was very afraid of open adoption, am now changed. I love open adoption and when we adopted Tyler we specifically asked for a very open adoption. Open adoption has changed our lives, its how our children came to be ours. These birthmoms chose us to raise these children and entrust their child into our hands, our hearts, and our lives. And we are forever grateful.